“How do I stop the negative self-talk and actually get things done? “
ADHD Overwhelm, Feeling Stuck, & Shame Spirals
Hi Emma,
I think I have ADHD because I’ve always felt really overwhelmed by simple everyday tasks, but it’s gotten worse recently. Even doing things like replying to emails or doing the dishes feels impossible, and then I spiral into thinking I’m lazy or broken. Why can’t I do basic tasks like everyone else? How do I stop the negative self-talk and actually get things done? I feel so stuck.
(Anonymous, 32, Woman, Bisexual, Cisgender)
Oh goodness, this speaks to my heart. ADHD overwhelm can show up in so many ways and it really sucks when it leads to total paralysis after trying to do seemingly simple everyday tasks. And then the shame spirals that result from feeling so stuck can just add to the overwhelm and negative associations with both the task and your own relationship with yourself. An awful situation!
Many people with ADHD ask, “Why can’t I do simple tasks?” The answer isn’t laziness. It’s executive dysfunction, ADHD overwhelm, and a nervous system stuck in threat mode.
This speaks to me because I also have ADHD and I work with so many ADHDers every week who have all faced this same thing. I get it.
The ADHD Shame Spiral
It often goes something like this. We are already feeling overwhelmed trying to exist in a world that expects perfection, consistency, and bombards us with an endless stream of content. We might not have had enough rest, we might not have a supportive routine so our bodies don’t know what to expect at any moment of the day, we may have forgotten to eat or drink enough water. Our bodies are crying out for help. But we have things to do - reply to that email, oh and that text too! Don’t forget to do the dishes, oh but that means unstacking the dishwasher first, dammit I still haven’t taken the clothes out of the washing machine, they probably stink by now. Ugh this is all distracting me from the work my boss needs me to do. Fuck I could just cry. Why am I like this? - Cue the ADHD shame spiral and the immediate urge to distract away from the negative self-talk. That’s the ADHD procrastination.
Could you even read through that whole thing? It’s hard to sit with on the page, let alone in the mind.
Why ADHD Overwhelm Makes Simple Tasks Feel Impossible
The ADHD mind often bounces from topic to topic, threat to threat. This exacerbates a pre-existing executive dysfunction when our nervous system has no choice but to activate. But we can’t fight or flee from our life in a functional way, so a lot of us turn that fight inwards to ourselves through negative self-talk. Or we try to flee our lives by escaping into video games, social media, tv or movies, drugs and alcohol, partying, relationships, sex, sport, work etc etc. ADHD procrastination comes from a place of fear.
ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity
This is exacerbated by childhood experiences of feeling different from other children and receiving frustrated looks and comments from adults around us that made us hypervigilant to how we were acting. When other’s acceptance of us comes into doubt we register that as a threat. If we are rejected by others then we will be all alone. Of course, as human beings we cannot survive alone. For a child, connection equals safety, an assurance our needs will be met. So repeated micro rejections primes the nervous system to be hypervigilant to what other’s think about us. That’s why so many ADHD adults have rejection sensitivity. We weren’t born with it! It developed over time as a form of trauma, and so did the shame that so many ADHDers hold.
The shame is not something we need to hold forever. We are not doomed to be in a chronic state of fight or flight (or freeze or fawn). We can retrain the nervous system.
You are not lazy.
You are not broken.
ADHD and the Motivation Myth
It is not that having ADHD means not having motivation - it just means that a lot of us are not in a state of functional calm. When we feel safe with ourselves, our minds, and the world, the mind moves out of hypervigilance and can be more attuned to the bodies needs. So we can work with ourselves, not against ourselves.
It’s true that people with ADHD struggle with task initiation. The dopamine doesn’t start rolling across our synapses until we are well and truly into the task, rather than at the thought of starting it, so it is more difficult. That’s okay! It just means attuning to your needs more to you can set yourself up for success.
It’s not that ADHDers don’t have enough motivation, it’s that we want to do something so badly that our fight or flight reflex activates.
How to Get Unstuck When You Feel Paralysed
First and foremost, start with being kind to yourself. Next time you notice that you feel stuck or you notice the shame, that negative self-talk of thinking you’re lazy or broken, I want you to try - something as an experiment. Notice what happens as you try it.
Take one deep breath. Place a hand on that racing heart and tight chest (because I’m sure it is). Now narrate out loud the basics of your experience. (“I’m really struggling right now”. “I notice the ‘I’m not good enough story’ is really strong in my mind right now”, “I notice the ADHD paralysis starting to set in”, “I’m really scared”, “I feel like I need a hug right now”.) Take another breath. Hold yourself gently.
Once your body feels a little calmer, choose the smallest possible version of the task. Not “I need to go clean the kitchen” (shaming, demanding, overwhelming), but gently saying to yourself, “okay let’s go wash one plate, we’ve got this” (kind, caring, accessible). It’s cheesy, but remember progress over perfection. Task initiation is often the hardest part for ADHD brains. Starting small builds momentum and dopamine.
Noticing is the first step.
TLDR;
Your question is about how to get things done as an ADHD woman, probably with a lot of demands in life and work. The truth is that increasing the pressure will only activate your nervous system more. To move forwards, you first need to get unstuck. To do that you need to slow down and breathe. Remember that you have inherent worth - and if you don’t feel connected to that then you have deeper concerns then your perceived productivity.
ADHD overwhelm is real. Executive dysfunction is very real. But shaming ourselves only makes it worse. Step one: exit out of the shame cycle and befriend yourself. And if you need help, then help is available.
Anonymous Sincerity is an advice column written by registered psychotherapist, Emma Vasey.
The advice shared is general in nature and not a substitute for individual therapy or mental health treatment.
If this has been helpful for you, or prompted some thoughts and feelings, you are welcome to reach out to Emma Vasey for an appointment. If you need immediate support then please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Emma is available Monday to Friday at her Port Melbourne office or online.
