“I’ve been going through the motions of sex…”
Feeling Disconnected from Sex in a Relationship
Hi Emma,
I feel like I’ve been going through the motions of sex for a while now and I don’t know what to do. It feels fine, I’m not in pain or anything, but I’m not sure if I’m just not attracted to my boyfriend or if just don’t like sex, and I don’t want to bring it up in case I hurt his feelings. What should I do?
Thank you!
(Anonymous, 25, Woman, Heterosexual, Cisgender, Partnered for 4.5 years, )
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so disconnected from sex, you may also be feeling a loss of desire in your long-term relationship too. What you are talking about is so often a very lonely and isolated experience, and yet the first thing I want you to know is that you are not alone. So many people go through this. In fact, I feel like I have this conversation every week in my private practice. People so commonly say to me, “I don’t want sex but I love my partner”, “I’m afraid to talk about my low libido or lack of desire”
Feeling disconnected from the sex you’re having can show up in different ways, and yet all of them are sexually unfulfilling, at times painful and emotionally distressing or sometimes physically painful too. It may be common, but it deserves to be taken seriously. You deserve to feel good during sex and enjoy it!
This can occur for so many different reasons, and unfortunately I don’t have all the information needed to give you recommends.
If you were in the room with me I would start by asking a few more questions. I would ask when this started for you, what was going on in your life and your relationship when you started noticing that you were “going through the motions”, did it happen gradually or seemingly all at once? I’m assuming by your phrasing, “for a while now” that this wasn’t always your experience.
Once you start getting curious about what the underlying cause of your disconnect, it’s easier to step out of the trap of shame.
I’m going to explore two options with you. If it came on suddenly, or if it happened slowly over time.
When sexual disconnect happens quickly, it may indicate that something caused your mind to unconsciously register sex as a scary place to be. So your awareness exists out of your body and goes elsewhere. This can occur for people who have experienced sexual violence in their past, but it can also occur when someone doesn’t feel like they can speak up about their needs, wants, desires, discomfort, or experience to their sexual partner. Again, this can occur for so many reasons.
If there is a clear before and after, I would be inclined to think about what you’re experiencing through a trauma-informed lens. It may indicate there is an event in need of processing through trauma therapy that you may be dissociating from.
I have also seen plenty of cases where this was left unaddressed and eventually sex became increasingly associated with negative experiences. When someone starts ‘going through the motions of sex’ they become passive to the sexual experience; either following their partner’s lead or following the established sexual script that implicitly offers lines to say, marks to hit, and noises to make in the performance that sex has become. This is inherently disembodying. Which can be useful if the part of us that lives in our body registers sex as an unpleasant and undesirable place to be, and it believes we have to be there regardless. It helps us get through the experience with minimal active distress. What it is terrible for is connecting with your sexual self or your boyfriend. This eventually leads to a form of sexual trauma that is more difficult to heal from. You’re doing a wonderful thing addressing it now.
If it occurred slowly over time, it may be indicative of a range of things - all of which benefit from communicating with your boyfriend about, if you feel like he is a safe and loving person to you.
What kind of sex do you like having? How much time, and what kind of stimuli, does your body and/or mind need to feel desire and pleasure? What are barriers for you to feel desire? What do you fantasise about? This is the kind of thing we discuss in therapy. And the answers are most useful to you if your boyfriend also knows the answers.
Remember: you are the co-creator of this sexual experience. Your voice and your investment is essential, as is your boyfriends. Couples that can talk about sex openly report higher sexual satisfaction in the long-term too!
I know this can be scary. As a woman, you were probably exposed to social narratives that taught you to be sexually passive, prioritise a male partner’s pleasure, and threatened you with judgement if you weren’t. Think of the way the concepts of ‘slut’ and ‘prude’ have been hanging over women’s heads since puberty. Even if you rejected all of this, it can still leave a mark of feeling like there is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to be sexual.
Or you may have been taught to prioritise the people you love over yourself: their happiness, their ease, their pleasure. And you may have been taught to fear centring your own.
If this is the case, there may be more behind the fear of bringing this up to your boyfriend. You obviously care about him, and it’s clear that you’re a very empathetic person, but I see so many cases in sessions with clients where other relational fears come into play around a couple’s sexual difficulties.
Do you fear him emotionally shutting down and withdrawing (abandonment), maybe him getting defensive and angry (punishment and violence), perhaps it’s him not wanting to have sex with you at all anymore (rejection). This may indicate some deeper relational concerns that may benefit from couples counselling if your partner is open to it.
If you feel more nervous at the newness of talking about this than fear, then concentrate on what you have to gain from talking about it and everything you hope to gain from fulfilling sex in your relationship. If your boyfriend care’s about you then he will care about your pleasure. He will care that you’ve been feeling so disconnected from sex in your relationship.
In talking about this you can actually start to connect again. First things first, connect with your curiosity, your hope, and your excitement. And good luck!
Anonymous Sincerity is an advice column written by registered psychotherapist, Emma Vasey.
The advice shared is general in nature and not a substitute for individual therapy or mental health treatment.
If this has been helpful for you, or prompted some thoughts and feelings, you are welcome to reach out to Emma Vasey for an appointment. If you need immediate support then please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Emma is available Monday to Friday at her Port Melbourne office or online.
