Making a Big Change without Triggering Shame
Change isn’t reserved for January. It doesn’t belong to Mondays, birthdays, or life crises. Most of the meaningful change I witness in therapy happens when someone decides their current life is unsustainable or undesirable on a random Tuesday. This is something I see evidenced throughout every day of my career supporting people to do just this.
When people feel motivated to make a big change in their life, often there can be some big roadblocks, namely fear of failure, self-sabotage, and not having the tools and resources necessary to succeed. Having the goal to change without it being anchored in something more supportive can leave them as lofty abstract ideas that never become reality. Likewise, only following advice about the practical ways to reach your goals ignores the human element. Truthfully, we often self-sabotage psychologically before getting close to implementing that list we wrote up.
If we add in things like everyday overwhelm, and neurodiversity like ADHD, alongside perfectionism and rumination, well, setting and executing change becomes emotionally exhausting a lot of the time.
I know, making change is notorious being difficult. So here are some tips and tricks to check in with the process.
When change is driven from the societally shameful “should”.
If your inner voice is saying “you should do this”, “you should do less of that”, “people will love you more if you just…” then pause.
You will inevitably be pursuing change from a point of fear. The urgency you may feel about needing to change something about yourself or your life is probably about conformity, a desire for acceptance, and a deep rooted sense of not being enough already.
This activates the threat response, pushes people into sympathetic activation, and will likely lead to either an action filled Fight or Fawn response, relentlessly pursuing the goal to change with short-lived effectiveness fuelled by panic, or a Flight or Freeze response that results in rumination, self-flagellation, avoidance, and, you guessed it, increasing panic.
As a quick reminder, let’s go through the difference between Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn.
What is the fight response?
The Fight response is about taking action to eliminate a perceived threat. Fight can turn into an unrelenting pursuit of a goal whereby the anger fuelling it can be turned on people or things that are perceived to be standing in the way. Including oneself. This can lead to a deep feeling of shame and not being good enough no matter what is achieved.
What is the flight response?
Flight is running. Running away from something bad. It’s a go go go go energy. An unrelenting sense of being chased. It is anxiety, rumination, spiralling, procrastinating, and over-thinking. Some people can be high preforming in this state but it can lead to chronic stress, lack of sleep, and long-term health problems from living off of adrenalin and cortisol. Alternatively, it is running away from what is truly wanted out of fear of failure, sometimes even fear of success. This can lead to self-sabotage or giving up before even trying.
What is the fawn response?
Fawn response is the people pleasing reflex. Fawning over someone to meet their perceived expectations in the hopes of being accepted, loved, respected, or valued and avoid being rejected or judged. It is the outsourcing of identity to another. Staying in this nervous system response in the long term leads to alienation from oneself, because everything is a performance. Ultimately, it leads to more fear as there is no stable self-esteem, it is entirely reliant upon other’s approval.
What is the freeze response?
Freeze is overwhelm. It is that sense of immediate urgency to do something without faith in the ability to actually do it. It’s looking out at the task ahead and panicking so much that nothing is done. It is procrastination. Distraction. Ignoring something by pushing it to the outskirts of the mind because when it’s thought about it’s as if the nervous system responds by trying not to breath. It’s caring so much and not being able to do anything. It’s learned helplessness in active form. Staying in this response long term can be crippling for so many people and is often the experience of people with other reasons to be overwhelmed such as new parents, or neurodiverse people who are autistic or have ADHD.
When change is driven by shame, the nervous system moves into threat mode, and sustainable growth becomes almost impossible.
If one of these nervous system states feels familiar, it may be helpful to look into therapy for anxiety and depression, which is really understood as a chronic activation of one or more of the flight/flight/freeze/fawn responses. At the very least, question if the change you’re seeking is fuelled by fear.
These might not be the goals for you. In fact, this form of change can often cement the very patterns and cycles people want to get away from. So instead...
Values-Based Change Feels Different
Change that is informed by moving closer towards value-based living will nearly always result in sustainable change that comes from within. It is extremely difficult to be fully value-aligned, life will get in the way and consistency is hard, but if a course correction in life is needed to get back on track again, it will be so much easier to come back to those values again and again through different periods of life.
Being motivated by value-based change feels like coming home to oneself. There is a rightness and an ease. I see this in therapy sessions with clients who want to make sustainable change all the time. There isn’t any fireworks or excitement, just a simple lightness, a sense of meaning and a ‘why yes of course, that feels so much easier!’.
How to identify your values.
Identifying values comes from within.
Sure there are quizzes available, but the best way to find your authentic values is to first sit with the question: “What do I value most in life?” This is likely to generate tangible answers like: my kids, my relationship, my home. They are often broad, and can reflect societal values first so make a huge brainstorm. Think about going through an average week in your life. Write everything down.
Now go back and highlight the ones that stand out to you.
Then ask the question “why?”. Don’t stop there, keep asking that until you can no longer come to another answer. For example, you might value catching up with your mates and think you value fun. Sure, but why? Why is it fun? Because you like the routine, the sense of familiarity with a regular time and place to see your friends? The novelty of always finding a new cafe to try? Having someone you can rely on to always be there? Being surrounded by lots of people and feeling part of something bigger? Keep asking. Why? Why? Why?
Often that final answer is one of your values.
It might be surprising. Often, multiple things on your brainstorm can fall under the same value category.
Try to find three core values, anymore than that is overwhelming noise.
In therapy, we often explore values as anchors and use that felt-sense of rightness to steer us on the right path. When values start to feel like performance metrics, that’s when we need to look at them again.
How to identify targets for change.
Identifying what to change in your life can be daunting.
So instead, ask yourself what does the value-aligned version of yourself do in life?
Now write a brainstorm for that going across every category of life. Writing a reflective diary as if a day was lived as this version of yourself can also be helpful.
Do they want take their health seriously because they value family and being available to look after the grandchildren in their old age is important, or do they look after their health because they value autonomy and want to stay independent for as long as possible, perhaps they pursue it because their friends are doing it and it’s a great chance for bonding? See how different that feels from “ugh, I really should quit smoking/start lifting weights/eat less ultra-processed foods to be healthier”. Maybe you don’t value health! That’s actually okay. Truly. It doesn’t mean that healthy change is impossible. It just needs to come from the right place.
Curiosity Cuts Through Self-Criticism
Change doesn’t need to be approached with an "all or nothing" mindset. It can be approached with curiosity and flexibility, in fact I encourage this approach. It is softer, kinder, and far more likely to meet your needs over a strict “should”-ridden resolution. This is how to stop self-sabotaging.
As you start to think about, plan, and action a chance, take note along the way.
Do you feel challenged? relieved? stressed? proud? energised? enthused? content? aligned? frustrated?
If the change you are trying to make doesn’t work for you, then great! You’ve got more information about yourself. Maybe the goal is not for you. Or maybe it’s not for you right now. Perhaps your approach is the thing not working, so you just need to reduce the friction of change making.
Curiosity cuts through the cycle of judgement and self-criticism.
Most importantly, curiosity lowers the stakes that throw the nervous system into the Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn response. This is the true catalyst of change.
Fear is Part of Change
You may also notice a lot of difficult emotions when pursuing change. Fear is the big one. Primarily, fear of failing. It’s important to identify and hold that fear and truly find it’s origins. Sometimes it is a familiar feeling linked to a deeper pattern and pain point, sometimes it might just be an indictor that the goal is unrealistic or unimportant to you but you’re still trying to force it into being.
If the fear feels localised to fearing being a version of yourself that continues to feel misaligned, congratulations, this is the kind of fear that is productive and indicates you’re on the right path.
No matter what, fear is part of change. It means there are stakes. It matters.
When there is a confusion or struggle to identify where the fear is coming from, then this is where therapy helps. It helps to cut through the noise and get through to what is really felt.
Whatever you notice, I hope you discover something new about yourself.
The information shared is general in nature and not a substitute for individual therapy or mental health treatment.
If this has been helpful for you, or prompted some thoughts and feelings, you are welcome to reach out to Emma Vasey for a psychotherapy appointment. If you need immediate support then please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Emma is available Monday to Friday at her Port Melbourne office or online.
